Insights
“I have a problem with you”
Three tips to shift a conflict from the people to the problem.
I was holding a tense mediation between two executives who couldn’t see eye to eye. I gave them each a moment to explain the situation. The first outlined the interaction that sparked the disagreement. The other cut in, mid-sentence.
“My problem isn’t with the project. It’s with YOU.”
When conflict gets personal, it’s difficult to untangle. We can be frustrated by someone’s behavior, especially in response to a tough situation. But when we feel like the other person’s identity is the issue, things start to break down. We’re creating a standoff, because we’re implying that the only way the conflict can be resolved is if it were with a different person – an impossible ask.
People only change by changing their behavior. And our behavior is deeply influenced by the context of the situation and our capacity in that moment. When navigating a conflict like this, we have to bring it back to the problem, not the person. Here are three tools to help.
Name the behaviors. Instead of using phrases like “he’s annoying” or “I’m tired of him,” get more specific. You can use phrases like “it’s difficult to share my opinion when I’m always interrupted,” or “I’m frustrated by the lack of response.” When you can, depersonalize the statement from the party or parties, and use “I” statements to help communicate the behavior and its impact. Encourage this as a facilitator by asking clarifying questions, like, “What behaviors make you feel like ‘he’s annoying’?” Or, “what actions are making you feel tired?”
Start with shared values and perspectives. When engaging in a tense conflict with someone else, adopt more “we” language. Things like “I know we’re both really overwhelmed with this deadline,” or “we both seem to be really frustrated” can help put you and the other party back on the same team and have more capacity to confront the conflict itself instead of throwing barbs at one another.
Avoid overgeneralizations. We tend to use absolute qualifiers – words like “always” and “never” – when we’re frustrated with someone. These tend to vilify someone, implying that, rather than a frustrating pattern of behavior, the person is inherently bad to their core. If you notice yourself saying these things, follow up with a more accurate depiction of the behavior. It helps you move from your feelings to the facts, and give tangible examples for parties to be more accountable. If you hear this while facilitating, ask for more clarification to steer the parties away from destruction.
Have you encountered this type of conflict at work before? How did you navigate it?
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